How not to raise a child

I am a big advocate for families... I think that the basis of society is the family. Procreation is the epitome of life and raising a child in a loving and nurturing environment is essential to their health as an adult. Regardless of the trends in "modern families", this fact will always be true. Selfishness, greed, pride-- unfortunately these sins get in the way of doing what's right and what's best for the family. These are some of my ways not to raise a child:

1. Finding ways to "take a break" from your kids all the time.

Going out on a date with your spouse every once in a while is completely healthy and good for your marriage. Never wanting to go have fun with your kids on the weekend or hang out with them is troubling to me. I love talking to my kids, shopping with them, doing new things and just having them as part of my day. Raising kids you want to be around is a good way to ensure that others will want to be around them too! I admit that it's harder when the kids are little and need constant care, that it feels like breaks are needed. So... put them down for naps during the afternoon for an hour. They won't sleep? Then call it quiet time. My mom did that and I looked forward to the rest. Put them to bed at a decent hour so you have some down time before going to bed yourself. Both spouses should be interacting with the kids, so that takes some of the burden off of just one person. And teens-- they should be easy! I find that I rarely need to find time to myself because they are busy with school work and their own interests, ...it's just there! Which leads me to the next one...

2. Scheduling your kids during every available hour of the day.

The larger the family, the less this occurs due to logistics of getting the kids where they need to be. But, regardless of the size of the family, having the kids involved in every possible activity (and this is only sports around this area) is a strain on the whole family. When kids don't have down time, they never learn how to entertain themselves. There's no time to learn hobbies that don't require a group of people. They have no time to find out who they are as an individual. They usually aren't out in un-manicured nature. Why is that important? Studies have shown that allowing kids to explore in the woods or parks, off of the mowed lawns and managed flower beds, has a great calming effect. They learn to appreciate the cycles of life and the seasons. When schools have kept more natural areas around the school yard for the kids on recess to play in, they found the classes as a whole were better behaved and could concentrate better on their work inside. Dragging kids to every sporting event of each family member is not a way to interact as a family, especially if that's all you are doing all weekend. Someone is going to end up resenting it. Schedule time to just be together without outside involvement and allow some time for rest. We pick Sunday as a day when we don't do chores and we try not to schedule anything but going to church together.

3. Never eat dinner together.

It always baffles me why eating dinner together is so hard to do! The main reason is probably #2. But I think it's one of the most important things a family can do. Besides getting proper nourishment from a real meal at the table, it's time that everyone comes together to share their day and to be together in a relaxing setting. It is one of the "glues" that holds my family together. This can be abused greatly by the spouse who works... so many dads don't see the necessity of being home from work for dinner! My husband works more than 40 hours a week, but it's rare that he misses a dinner. Mainly because he doesn't want to. And if soccer practice happens right during dinner time, we move dinner up to when they walk in the door, so we still eat together. If you are allowing your kids to be so busy that they never sit down to a dinner together, then you are instilling a way of life that they will carry into adulthood with their own family. For me, it's a basic family value. I don't find that a lot of other things are more important.

4. Feeding your kids fast food.

This, of course, had to follow #3. Yes, I made this mistake when my kids were young and I thoroughly regret it now. Had I known about the Weston A. Price Foundation, we could have avoided orthodontia and even some baby teeth cavities, some illnesses, and bad views on what food should be. I don't think I have to say why fast food is bad. But beyond the obvious health hazards of it, the idea that meals can be grab and go... and that meal preparation is not something important enough to plan for, teaches nothing except instant gratification. And that leads to obesity, diabetes, heart disease and cancer. Our society is all about instant gratification. Parents aren't teaching their children how to cook, mainly because they don't take the time to cook. It's an expensive way to live (in so many ways!). Buying real food ingredients from the store is always cheaper, and I don't mean prepared, packaged food from the grocery. Of course it's nice to buy premade spaghetti sauce or noodles... but do you know it can all be made from scratch? Sometimes the things that are the most labor intensive to make from scratch, are the things that should be "treats" or eaten only once in a while anyways. We don't need to teach our kids that prizes and dessert are something included with every meal. 

5. Drinking soda pop or drinks with added sugar or fruit juice regularly.

This should be common sense, but of course, drinking your sugar is a fast lane trip to diabetes and tooth decay and illness. When I see people putting any of this in bottles, it raises my blood pressure to dangerous levels!! This has been the downfall of the U.S.

6. Putting your kids on daily medications.

Nothing is more tragic than having a child who deals with a chronic disease that cannot be healed or with some other disability. That is not what I'm talking about here. I am talking about giving your kids prescription medications for ADD, antibiotics for every cold, even Tylenol or similar drugs at any slight fever or headache. Every single time you take a medication, it has an effect on your health... at that present time and into the future. We seem to think that medications only affect your body at the present time for whatever discomfort might be occuring. This is why we are having an issue with kids having too many antibiotics and being resistant to them. Not only that, but the side effects are creating more illness. I am an advocate for homeopathy because it is a gentle healer that addresses the root of the problem instead of masking symptoms. So many children are misdiagnosed as having ADD or ADHD. Before parents put them on medication (again, instant gratification for themselves), they need to evaluate the diet, the schedule and the personality of the child versus his environment. Sometimes it's just a matter of fitting a square peg in a round hole. Forcing children into situations that don't suit their individual learning styles has created a large number of children who are put on drugs to daze them into fitting in. Sad! I saw this a lot when I started teaching school 20 years ago and I'm sure it's much worse now. And putting children on antibiotics to clear up everything from stuffy noses to acne, is actually destroying their immunity. Did you know that homeopathy can cure allergies for good? It is definitely worth looking into if your child is told they need allergy shots or suffers from asthma. 

7. Wrapping up your own identity in your child.

This is a tough one because our children are a reflection of how we raise them. I don't think there's anything wrong with being proud of your child. There is something wrong with expecting your child to live out your own dreams for their future. At some point you have to let them decide how they will pursue a career or their passions in life. I get very tired of the traditional idea that every child should aspire to be a doctor or lawyer. We all know that this just isn't going to happen. My first thought is only that the $$$ is what is driving these parents to push their children into these professions. I highly admire the child that has a true desire to heal the sick or to defend the defenseless. These are noble aspirations and if they are true, are not tied to the desire for an affluent lifestyle and everything that most people associate with it. I know many doctors and lawyers who aren't living the high life... they do it because they feel it's helping someone else.  You should be teaching your children to respect people of every profession. The hard workers keep our society working around us. Even those trash collectors are people we need and are helping. When a child has no idea what they want to do, I often refer back to #2 because I wonder if they aren't too busy with things that they are not really interested in and haven't had the time to find those things that they lose themselves in, because it's fascinating to them. Be proud of the pursuit instead of the title. And, as I approach sending my kids to college, I realize that they will be successful going to a state school as much as going to a Harvard or Yale. Some of the most "successful" people I went to grade school with attended regular colleges. They either had a passion for their chosen career or they got lucky and picked something at the right time and were in the right place. Find a school that has professors that can teach your child what they need to learn to be good at their profession. This could be ivy league, private college, state school or trade school. Or maybe they'll buck the traditions and start their own successful business. I always remind them too that part of life is not just their career but their family and their hobbies. Your job title doesn't always determine how interesting of a person you are. It's more admirable to be a good parent and work a mid-level position than be the VP and never see your kids. You won't regret it on your deathbed.

8. Telling your kids they are more special than other kids.

This one drives me crazy!!! The whole "princess" idea. We have a lot of kids running around who never learned how to respect other people. Manners have gone out of style for some reason. When little kids are taught that the world revolves around them, then they are not learning consideration for anyone else. I think there may be a trend in the whole idea of raising "assertive" children who don't learn how to respect other people, especially adults. These kids don't learn how to listen to other people's ideas and they have a hard time dealing with their emotions when they don't get their way or are jealous of someone else when they aren't getting the attention. They are never taught gratitude-- if they receive a birthday present, they are never taught to write a "thank you" note or express their thanks. Are they even thankful or do they expect to receive it? And do they think about giving gifts to others too? The gift of a thoughtful homemade card is my very favorite from my kids and they never disappoint!  Children will always command more attention than adults-- the youngest one in the room is always the most cooed over! So, to promote that is only excessive. How can you tell if your child is not this way?: Do they compliment their friends on their accomplishments or how they look or what they have done? Children who learn how to make others feel special will actually feel more special themselves. Telling your daughter she's a princess only brings disappointment when others at school or even at her job as an adult, don't recognize that "fact"! Or they will recognize it and stay away from her! Every child should be very special to their own parent... I pray with my kids and tell God "Thank you for letting me be their parent". I emphasize their strengths to them so they know what they are good at. But I compliment their friends and point out their strengths also... we learn to value everyone around us because that's an essential skill in life: to value the differences and strengths in others. We are all special people on this planet.

9. Sheltering your children from anyone who is different from you.

I live in the "Bible Belt" right now and my biggest concern for raising kids here was the lack of variety in our lives. Children who never see anyone of a different race or religion... and even different types of Christianity, never develop the ability to assimilate into a situation where understanding of differences occurs. Basically this can lead to heavy prejudices. When the only Latino child they see is someone from one of the migrant families or on a missionary card, then they tend to think that ALL people of a Latin American background are not average Americans like us. It always amazes me that in the great American melting pot, we still carry many prejudices about different ethnic groups. When places of faith start talking about being "better" than the church down the street (yes, this was said from a pulpit at one church we attended in the past!), then there's not a lot of hope for people to get along and work together with respect for each other. Exposing children to different ways of living is a great gift! I grew up with grandparents who were from Germany so some ways of doing things and eating different foods was part of my childhood experience. When I was very young, I lived in a neighborhood with children who were white, black, asian, latino, indian... a little of everything! We all came from the same economic background but such varied ethnic backgrounds. It was wonderful to learn about the differences, but we were also very much the same-- we all came from families who valued the family and we honestly did not have any prejudices because of "color of the skin". It wasn't until I moved to a mainly white neighborhood that I learned about prejudice and that was from the adults. As I attended different churches I saw how much people tend to criticize other churches, which is especially distressing. I think it's very important to teach your own children what you believe in your own faith but to respect people who are good people in different churches. We are all on our own faith walk. And many of us-- Christians, Jewish, and Muslim -- do share a common faith in our history. Virtue and good character should be admired no matter the color of your skin or the way you are living your life. Without virtue and good character, then that is someone to be wary of.

10.  Going on vacation without your kids.

I'm not talking about an anniversary trip... that wouldn't be appropriate! But I am talking about neglecting to take your kids on a vacation because you want to be selfish and get away from them. Who would do that? Well, I've been shocked lately to hear about the trips that parents have taken, especially when they "can't afford to take the kids on vacation"! If they can't afford to take the kids, then they shouldn't go! How can you put selfish desires before the happiness of the whole family? You only get 18 years or less to expose your children to the world and experience the fun in vacationing. After that it gets too complicated with schedules and they are a lot less likely to want to hang out with their parents on vacation. For us, it has been some of the best memories in life. The kids and I love to explore new places. From the time they were very young, they would help me find our way around a new city. Now, they are very comfortable in a place like New York City or hiking on a new trail in Acadia National Park. They aren't scared to go to new places. Now my daughter wants to be able to travel as an adult, as much as possible, even as part of her career! She loves studying about different cultures. There is also a safety factor in leaving your family to vacation alone-- I would never go overseas and leave my kids alone. If anything ever happened to both Craig and I on a trip, then the kids would be orphaned and I'm not willing to risk that. We have plenty of time when they are adults, to go off together to explore new places on vacation. There have been some years when we couldn't afford for us all to go on vacation-- so we took weekends to explore things in driving distance around us. We also visited family which can be just as fun. If you have no family who lives away (which is rare these days), then google a place you've never been and go on a day trip. Or do a camping trip in the backyard! Change up the daily routine at home and do a stay-cation. Try a new restaurant, go to a gallery or museum, find a park and explore a trail, rent a canoe if there's a lake nearby. Make some family memories. You will never regret time spent together as a family, having fun. The one time I did go away on an anniversary trip, I was wishing the kids were there the whole time so that they could share in the new experiences of the place I was exploring! Plus, how does it feel as a child to be stuck in the same place, in the same routine and never get exposure to new places? It is essential to the soul to be able to have your eyes opened to new things as a child. Little children don't really remember expensive vacations anyways... so Europe isn't necessary for a seven year old! (Or if you live in Europe, pick another continent.) Those sorts of trips are better saved for the teenage years or when they show their own interest in it. (Of course, I've wanted to visit Paris since I was seven, but that's a different story!). When I was 14 my family visited Boston and I fell in love with the East Coast and its historical architecture. Had I not seen it, I may not have appreciated where I am today and I definitely wouldn't have done as well in my American Art class in college. But most of all, I wouldn't have had that joy in my life of knowing about that place and being able to experience it and I carry that with me all the time. My best childhood memories definitely include the vacations we took as a family.

This is just a small list of what I have thought of off the top of my head, but also how I view raising my own children. So far, at 14 and 15, I can say these things are proving to be the right choices for us. Unfortunately though, we have to live in the same world with people who do the above "wrong" ways and that is a challenge in itself when it comes to dealing with disrespectful people and having other children in our lives who haven't gotten the attention from their families that they need to be happy and make right choices. I only wish for every child to have a family where they feel loved and cherished, they have family time together, they learn new experiences with those they love, and they learn to show love to other people. The world would be a very happy and supportive place.